Untold Stories: How Ukraine's Grieving Women Are Finding Hope

February 3, 2024: “I received a call from my husband informing me that my son had been seriously wounded and had sustained critical injuries. Two days later, I received another call from the doctor in the morning who told me that the hero’s heart stopped at 7:50.”

Olga Alekseeva, 47, said that her son showed remarkable talent from early on in life. He was already sitting at a computer by the age of three and earned his first medal at five. “As a child, he loved solving the Rubik’s Cube, enjoyed playing games and dreamed of creating one himself.”

Her son, Ruslan Masalskyi, grew up to be an engineer in Palo Alto, California.

When Russia launched its full-scale war in Ukraine in February 2022, Ruslan decided to leave the safety of his home and volunteered to serve. After receiving training in the U.K. in October 2022 for 35 days, aged 21 he went to defend the regions of Donetsk, Mykolaiv and Kherson. In February 2024, he lost his life fighting for his country.

As Ukraine’s cemeteries fill up with fallen soldiers, a growing tide of grieving women follows in their wake. We don’t have numbers, but we do have names and their stories.

Some told Newsweek their stories, many heard publicly for the first time. Here, they explain how they are trying to piece their broken lives back together.

Olga finds comfort in Ruslan’s cat, Phillip. “It bears a striking resemblance to Ruslan, reminding us of him and bringing us joy.”

The pain from the loss had taken a severe toll on Olga’s health. Last year, she was hospitalized three times. She had a nervous breakdown and fell incredibly ill. “After the death of my son, I became disabled. I have returned to work now after a long illness. I am now immersed in work.”

Olga said that to cope with her deep grief, “I attend a support group for mothers of fallen soldiers led by a psychologist. I also participate in individual therapy sessions.”

One group has been helping Ukrainian women escape their daily grief and pain and look to the future.

Oksana Levkova, 44, who has been working in Ukrainian NGOs for 25 years, started relaxation tours in December 2022 for mothers and wives of soldiers who perished in the war, were missing in action or tortured in Russian prisons. Under Project Hope Ukraine, she got acquainted with 150 women in person and another 150 online since.

Oksana organizes her tours for three days in a way that brings these women to various locations, hoping to help them break free from their persistent, troubling thoughts and find a sense of relief. The itinerary is filled with surprises—starting with a visit to a snail farm in a quiet village, followed by an impromptu tour of a historic fortress. Later, they might find themselves swimming in a lake, and within an hour, visiting an art gallery.

She said grieving women want to be understood in society and escape from routine pain. “They want to talk with women with similar grief, to recollect pleasant moments from their past in their memory.”

Beyond that, these women also seek to fulfill their fallen loved ones’ dreams. They aim to remind those living far from the front lines—often in distant villages, towns and cities—about the ongoing war and its toll. At the same time, they strive to shift their own thoughts and behaviors toward life-affirming actions and to gain new ideas for their professional activities.

Millions of women have been displaced and lost their jobs due to the war.

On tour, some get the chance to meet guests—including owners of different art galleries, craft businesses, museum staff, farmers, ethnographers, librarians—to provide an opportunity to explore new professional avenues and gain fresh perspectives for future careers.

Many wives and mothers are originally from eastern and southern parts of Ukraine, which are occupied by Russia now, and can’t enjoy the local climate, the Azov Sea, rivers and lakes.

“We communicate, we have excursions, we cry and laugh together, we breathe sea air in Odesa and try ethnic Polissya clothes in Chernihivska region, we taste ancient Kyiv dishes cooked according to authentic recipes in the downtown of our Ukrainian capital,” Oksana said.

Her tours are designed exclusively for women who have suffered personal loss. “These women don’t judge each other,” she said. “They aren’t shocked if someone who has recently lost a son or husband wears bright red lipstick or a sunny-colored scarf around her neck. The participants support one another, sharing moments of grief and tears, only to burst into laughter minutes later. People who haven’t experienced such loss often don’t understand these ‘joyful antics.'”

Oksana Gurska, from the partially occupied Zaporizhzhia region, arrived at the snail farm in the Odesa region. “I’m from Zaporizhzhia,” she told the farm’s owner. “I know that area well—my son was killed there,” he replied.

Asked if these women would consider joining the military, Oksana explained that many already support their husbands’ units by providing financial aid, medicines, food and warm clothing. However, for others, the challenge lies in their overwhelming responsibilities at home. In war-torn Ukraine, they have not only lost their husbands and sons but also their homes, belongings and jobs. Many face additional struggles, such as caring for elderly relatives in occupied territories, leaving them focused on survival rather than military involvement.

Despite these hardships, these women are managing to sustain themselves financially. “51 percent of women in my country have jobs. Now families of POW and missing in action have soldiers’ salaries and families of killed warriors have financial aid from our state. They help them to survive very much.” Oksana said.

‘I Would Have To Tell Them … Their Father Was Gone’

Stanislava Polivodska, 47, is another grieving woman and the wife of Oleksandr Polivodskyi, a Ukrainian lawyer, scholar, and lecturer. Oleksandr was killed in the Luhansk region defending Ukraine. The day Russia’s full-scale war began, February 24, 2022, he reported to the mobilization point and joined the Armed Forces of Ukraine. He participated in the liberation of the Kyiv region, the Kharkiv offensive and battles in Donetsk.

On April 20, 2023, the routine of Stanislava’s life was shattered.

What began as an ordinary day suddenly turned with a phone call from an unknown number, triggering a foreboding sense of something deeply wrong. Oleksandr died from a Russian sniper’s bullet while evacuating a severely wounded comrade. “He will forever be 49 years old,” his wife said.

“I sat on the ground floor of our family home for about an hour. I couldn’t cry. I was frozen, lifeless, destroyed. It felt as if I no longer existed. Yet my thoughts kept spiraling, overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility I bore toward our children and Oleksandr’s mother. These obligations wouldn’t let me scream, cry, or fall apart. I kept thinking, ‘How will our daughter Sofia cope? How will our son Taras endure? How will Lyudmyla Vasylivna, his mother, survive this grief? What do I do? How? Where? When? Why?'”

Meanwhile, upstairs, Sofia was working remotely and Taras was attending online classes. “I kept delaying the moment I would have to tell them the news—that their father was gone, that their childhood was over, that our lives, our happy times together, had ended forever.”

Then came nearly two weeks of excruciating waiting. During this time, Stanislava experienced a mixture of despair, hope and heartache as the unit tirelessly worked to recover her husband’s body. “I am deeply grateful to his comrades for bringing him home, so we could say our goodbyes. Their mission was incredibly challenging and dangerous.” For many families of fallen defenders in Ukraine, recovery of the body is not an option.

‘They Are Going Through Hell’

Svitlana Kominko, psychologist and CEO and cofounder of the Maple Hope Foundation, highlighted the grief experienced by those unable to bury their loved ones properly. “It’s very complex,” she explained. “There is no closure.” She noted the growing number of cases where bodies are missing, or only partial remains are recovered, leaving women in anguish.

“They are going through hell,” Svitlana said, describing the painstaking process of DNA testing to confirm whether remains belong to their relatives. In some cases, the bodies have been burned or are otherwise unrecognizable, adding another layer of trauma to their already unimaginable pain.

In the darkest moments of grief, Stanislava turned to writing to cope with the unbearable pain. At the memorial service at St. Michael’s Cathedral in Kyiv, she addressed her beloved through a heartfelt letter she had written to him:

Most men who volunteered to serve have no prior military experience. Yet they step forward to participate in the fight to liberate their country. Olga said of her son: “At just 21 years old, an ordinary programmer, he made the extraordinary decision to defend his home, family and people. Like countless other heroic soldiers, he faced the dangers unafraid and held his ground until the very end.”

‘If We Wake up, Then We Are Alive’

The toll of war, however, has left a deep mark on Olga and countless others. She described her daily life as filled with constant fear, “My day begins with the phrase, ‘If we wake up, then we are alive.’ But I try not to lose faith that everything will be fine.”

Lamenting the conflict’s devastating impact, she added: “We feel terrible about it—our children, innocent children, die every day. We can only believe that this horror will end. I want to live in peace and pray that no mother will ever have to bury her child or loved one again.”

Svitlana leads a Canada-based NGO dedicated to supporting women in Ukraine, and those who have fled to Canada, by addressing their emotional wounds and mental health needs.

She emphasized that grief is one of the most transformational experiences a person can endure; however, she noted that for those who continue to help others, the act of giving back provides a sense of meaning and purpose in their daily lives. “No one talks about leaving Ukraine,” she said. “Everyone is praying and holding onto hope that this will come to an end.”

For many women, the experience of loss and grief shifts over time, transforming their outlook. After these tours, they begin to think not only retrospectively about their pain but also perspectively about their future. “They start to feel tastes and flavors again—and even to smile,” Oksana said.

One striking example is a woman from the Poltava Region, whose son has been in a Russian prison for two-and-a-half years. She had a Facebook account “Oksana Weeper Ivanilova.” After the tour, she changed it to “Oksana Ivanilova.” The shift, she says, represents more than just a name change—” it is a step toward reclaiming life.”